Tails by the Foxfire

Joining Duty Finder: An Uncharacteristic Moment of Impulse

I don’t know what extroverted spirit possessed me, but last night, I queued in Duty Finder for the first time in about 5 years. For queuing all by myself? It was the first time ever. In true Foxy fashion, I didn’t take it easy on myself either; I was enjoying my Main Scenario Quests for Stormblood and hit the inevitable roadblock requiring the completion of a certain Duty, which just so happened to be Emanation, a.ka. The Primal Lakshmi. Maybe it’s because she’s got one of my favourite Primal designs, along with one of my favourite boss fight tracks, but something made me wonder: ‘Could I do it? All these other people do it. It wouldn’t be so bad if I did, too… right?’ It was a total whim, but one I somehow couldn’t let myself overthink, for a change. I just had to know: was it all as bad as I remembered?

I queued up. I watched a couple of video guides to minimize the risk of annoying my teammates. I psyched myself up and took some deep breaths, and at last, the moment came. Truthfully, I almost hit ‘decline’ and withdrew back into myself when faced with the choice, but I braved it. After all, I’d come this far, and I had plenty to prove to myself.

Stealing a Breath of New Life From Lakshmi: The Lady of Bliss

In another uncharacteristically bold move, I open the chat. The first thing I do is say ‘hi’ and let everyone know I’m new to running duties, that I’m a pretty anxious player, and that I’ll do my very best. To my surprise, I received a really warm greeting and encouraging messages assuring me we’ll do fine.

Off to a great start!

Then the fight starts, and my hands feel like balloons full of oatmeal sitting on a speaker that’s pounding a heavy bassline. They’re trembling so hard, I’m fumbling the keys. I can’t remember how to click the mouse, let alone which abilities I should be using. In hindsight, I see the difference in myself though; despite the loss of control in my hands, I didn’t burst into tears or quit the game in a panic. For the most part I actually did pretty well, save for one of Lakshmi’s mechanics I forgot: the room-wide AoE. I realize, in horror, that I didn’t hit the button that stops me from getting flung off the edge of the arena, and my hands are shaking too hard to do it in the few seconds I have left. I watch helplessly as the animation happens, my character is flung into oblivion, and…

Nothing bad happens. My character’s health hit 0. She’s laying on the floor waiting for someone kind to resurrect her. But I’m not the only one. Nobody says anything mean, someone resurrects me when they get a spare moment. Even when the resurrection animation takes so long that it loads me straight into another deadly room-wide mechanic that throws me off the ledge again, I don’t get any heat for it. Life goes on. We win the fight. A couple of players remark on the way out that it’s always a highlight to see new players be surprised by that mechanic, and I realise: Alexis from Schitt’s Creek was 100% right when she said “No one cares.” In the best way. Because nobody’s cursing my name; nobody’s pointing and laughing. We’re in on the joke together, because it’s probably not even the first time that day those players will see a team member die in a hilarious way, and they’ll likely long since have forgotten my name by the time their next Duty comes around.

Because nobody cares, but not in the callous kind of way I thought. Nobody cares if I messed up, because everybody does at some point. Life goes on, and it’s beautiful.

Did FFXIV Help Me Feel Less Scared of MMOs?…Maybe!

We say our goodbyes, we leave the arena, and two of the players were even kind enough to give me Player Commendations for my trouble. A little something to remember them (and this experience) by.

When I’m back in the main game world, I’m unable to believe what I just did, and I’m actually a little sad the experience is over. I’ll miss those strangers, somehow, even though I’d only known them for the span of about 10 minutes. I don’t think it’s necessarily about the players themselves, though; it’s more about the fact that even though I was just another player in a sea of millions for them, they chose to be kind. All I did was say I was new and a bit nervous; they had no idea what I was going through or how a bad interaction could’ve seen me shy away again, possibly for good. Still, they chose to reassure me. They chose to check in on me when the battle was done, and send me on my way with a smile. Entirely unbeknownst to them, they set in motion a monumental shift in perspective for me that could possibly see me queuing for Trials in Duty Finder all by myself again, and that, someday, could result in me signing up for a Trial with a clear head and full control of my hands. How I hope so.

The key takeaway here for me is that it’s how we approach a situation that makes all the difference. If I’d gone into that Trial expecting to fail and be treated poorly for it, I would’ve created shadows behind those player avatars even if nobody had said anything at all. Instead, I kept an open mind, gave myself some encouraging words, and I greeted the other people in chat. I made space for myself for that table. For my efforts, I was made welcome to sit down by players who approached that Trial with kindness and patience. With just a ‘hello’ and a few polite words, they created ripples that led me to write this blog today.

I don’t know if I’ll ever meet those players again. I’m almost positive they’ll never see this. Heck, they’ve probably forgotten my name already. However, on the off chance these words find them, I want to offer a heartfelt thank you. You have no idea what you did for me that day. It may have felt like only a small thing to you, but the effects and the freedom you facilitated for me will be lasting.

Thank you.

May you ever walk in the light of the crystal.

Check Out More Foxfire Feelings at Tails by the Foxfire

Thank you so much for joining me for this brand new episode of Foxfire Feelings! This is where you’ll find all my longer form, introspective pieces from now on, so stay tuned for these every other week and subscribe to be alerted whenever I post new content. Things are going to be really exciting by the Foxfire going forward, as I’ve got really ambitious plans for the site that you won’t want to miss!

In the meantime, I wanna know: do you play online games, or do you struggle with social anxiety too? When was the last time another player took you by surprise in the best way? Let me know in the comments below!